Master the art of listening

Much is being made of how technology is driving us apart. Kids meet with each other in the virtual world of Fortnite rather than heading down the park for a kick-about; meetings are conducted through a Microsoft app; and social media has politically polarised us to the point where families spend much of their time walking on eggshells lest they mortally offend one another.

There are plenty of statistics out there about how much unhappier we are today than we were 20 years ago when smartphones first infiltrated our lives. A Gallup poll of over 5 million people, begun in 2006, asked respondents to rate the quality of their lives from zero to ten, zero being the worst life one could possibly have. In 2006 1.6% of people rated their lives a zero but this has more than quadrupled since to 7.6%.

To lay all the blame for this increasing dissatisfaction at technology’s door is likely an oversimplification.  It is often overlooked that this same technology was built to help us communicate and is often a force for good. We can conduct video calls with loved ones that have long-since moved away; online communities or support groups can relieve chronic loneliness; and emergency services are typically notified of accidents far more quickly than they were before everybody had a phone in their pocket. If technology is used as it was intended, to enhance rather than replace real world relationships, then it should have a positive effect.

So, what else might be making us unhappy? In his book, The Road to Character, Canadian Cultural Commentator, David Brooks suggests it is because we are gradually losing the art of how to listen to one another. This, in part, may be because we are often distracted by technology, but according to Mr. Brooks this trend has been in train since the end of the second world war.

It was then that a cultural shift took place, taking the emphasis away from community and toward the individual. Self-actualisation and self-fulfilment were, and still are, the order of the day. Essentially, we’ve been spending an increasing amount of our time trying to be successful and trying to make ourselves happy.

This often doesn’t afford us the time or inclination to focus on others, and properly listen to one another, but it is precisely this failure of communication that, David Brooks argues, is causing people to feel isolated and unhappy. He argues that this is a vicious circle as the less attention people pay to us, the less we pay to others in return and the less happy they become.

The art of listening can be learnt, however, and most of us do listen effectively in certain circumstances. When pitching for business, for example, people tend to look intently at the potential client when they are speaking, make encouraging noises of agreement and would never dare talk over them. Most likely they also genuinely are listening to every word because they’ll need to remember it if a second meeting is secured, or a proposal is required. The promise of money has a remarkable ability to help people focus.

However, most people are guilty of not maintaining this level of interest in everyday conversations with friends, colleagues or family. There is less riding on these interactions and so you afford them less of your attention.

In reality though, it is extremely important to give your full attention to all interactions. It is when people are listened to that they feel valued. People gravitate toward good listeners because they feel these people care about them.

Conversely, you negate your partner in conversation in appearing to ignore them, effectively telling them they aren’t worthy of your time. You may feel like you are doing a good job of looking engaged, but there are lots of verbal and non-verbal cues, to which we are all subconsciously attuned, that will betray you.  

For this reason, we can all benefit from becoming better listeners and a few key tips you may not have considered before include:

• Treat attention as an on off switch and not a dimmer switch. It really is all or nothing.
• Don’t spend time thinking about how to respond when listening to somebody, particularly as they are coming to the close of what they are saying. This common issue results in us missing what is being said, often at the most important point.
• Embrace the pause. When the person you are talking to comes to the end of what they are saying, don’t feel the need to jump in to fill the silence. Allow the pause to hang a little to show the person that you are properly considering and digesting what they have said. (On a separate point, also embrace the pause while public speaking. This will stop you covering every gap with a filler word such as uh, um, er, so, like, you know.)
• Be a loud listener. You should be listening so actively you burn calories. Say “aha, “yes”, “really?” to show interest and agreement. This will encourage your partner in the conversation to open up and speak more. Research has shown that the triple nod is most effective of all.
   

Next time you’re in a conversation, consciously consider how well you’re listening. Improving these skills can benefit all of your relationships, both at work and outside of it, and it’s a small step toward making society a little happier as a whole.